1 English

I didn’t know if in that moment I was thinking. I never knew. The only thing I knew it was too late for any reaction besides to wait the consequences. It ever comes.

I could hear her voice of that little room. A worry voice. With me. I shivered. The only person that I really loved it was the only that I hurt most. Side effect? Maybe. The one we love most is always the one we hurt most, because we create expectations about ourselves to amaze these people. In the end, we frustrated our own expectations for basing in things or people that we are not made to be. We hurt ourselves and create scars that hurts when we poke and we think that we will never be able to be where we wish.

She never demanded of me something I couldn’t be. She looked at me like if the fact that I exist was a miracle e an eternal happiness.

Since that day nothing was the same. And I thank for this. Because if it would be the same I would never know what is love and what is to love.

I remember I woke from nightmares during the night and she was by my side. The drugs wasn’t doing effect yet. I never knew were I was when I woke, but I saw her, and everything became as a stab in the heart. Aching and accurate.

Shortly after that things started to adjust, really adjust, I wake of another nightmare and there she was, by my side. It was early and it was really hard to me awake that horary. But I could hear the phone ringing and her voice speaking. She was a popular person then it was more than common this just happen. But in this time was different. She cried.

I keep my eyes closed. I didn’t want her to notice that I was listening. The woman in the phone just keep talking and my mother cried more and more. Every tear broke my heart a little bit more. I didn’t know and I still don’t know what to do when my mother cries. Doesn’t matter what.

Everything I’ve felt until there, physical and emotional, doesn’t compare at the feeling in seeing her cry. And know that I was the reason of her cry broke me every day.

I don’t know who is reading. I don’t know what you did or do. I don’t know who you love or who loves you. But I know something: you’re capable. You can find a way. There’s not a hole so deep that you cannot be reached for the right person. I was in the rock bottom with my dreams and life destroyed, but I’ve been reached. I was taken from the most disgusting gunk someone could be.

And I’m here.

You’re strong. More than you think. More than they think.

And I know isn’t easy live day by day in constant judgment, whether by parents, friends or knowns. And I know they say you’ll be fine and that’s just a phase.

But I know isn’t just a phase.

And I know isn’t vanity or some kind existential crisis.

But you can pass through this.

And He can help you on it.